The Life and Times of Vahn Yuumon
by Neverwhere Chaos Mode
Summary: A Digimon 00 fic. Specifically, the 'Lost' universe's 00. This too, is one of those things I really should have my head examined before posting.


Prologue - An Introduction to Vahn, or Pain Defines My Existence  
  
You ever have a really bad day?  
  
I'm not talking about a my-mom-forgot-to-feed-me bad day. I'm talking about a trapped-in-a-strange-place-with-no-way-out-plus-several-people-and-mosters-who-hate-you bad day. Oh, and none of the people who hate you are trapped. They can come and go as they please, only to give you disgusted looks as they pass by…  
  
Oh. Right.  
  
I should probably give you some of that 'background' stuff that people like to hear.  
  
Right. Where to begin, where to begin? Hmm…  
  
Well, the beginning works, but I'm not sure you want to hear about all the trouble I had just trying to come out…  
  
You know what? Let's skip that. Cesarean sections really shouldn't be talked about.  
  
Hmmm…  
  
Okay, screw it. History sucks anyways. I'm just going to introduce the other people around me, and tell you what they mean to me.  
  
The first guy I should introduce is Hiroki. Hiroki is… well, for lack of a better term, everything you look for in a leader. Calm, confidant, and does well under pressure. Calculating, decisive, and creepily intelligent. He does equally well at chess and dodge ball. He's a good person, I think, but he's cold, and occasionally that calculating thing gets the best of him. Hiroki and I don't cross paths much at school, so we tend to ignore each other. He's pissed at me just because I'm here. Apparently my presence screws up something he calls a prophecy.  
  
Load of crap if you ask me.  
  
There next to him is Yuushi. He's Hiroki's best friend, and perhaps the bravest guy you'll ever meet. I mean, this guy would walk into fire if he had to. He's a gung-ho, no-guts-no-glory, balls of steel kind of guy. He's got a great sense of humor, too. Too bad he'd forget his own name if it hadn't been beaten into him by his parents. He's pissed at me because Hiroki is. I doubt he would remember there is a prophecy.  
  
The kid next to him is Eigo. But that's a nickname. He answers to it, but I'll be damned if anyone can actually remember his real first name. Even the teachers would need to look it up. Eigo is smart. Scary smart. You know what I said about Hiroki earlier? Multiply the intelligence thing by five. If it's been written down, he knows it. He's a nice guy. Scared of his own shadow, but a nice guy. He's probably mad at me about the prophecy too. But I can't tell since he flinches every time I so much as throw a sharp look in his direction.  
  
On Eigo's other side is Kikyou. Kikyou is well… odd. She's the proverbial flower child. I'm not talking about a wannabe here. She might as well be the real deal. She spouts about love and peace, and I think she honestly believes in it. But that doesn't mean she's spineless. There are a few boys with permanent red marks on their faces back at school from where they got a bit too… fresh. Yes, that's the word I think I'll use. Fresh. In any event, while she doesn't like violence, she gets pretty damn loud sometimes. She's on the debate team, and likes to stand up for people's rights. She's not all that mad at me I think, but I'm more than a little scared of her, so it all balances out.  
  
Next to her is Nekura. Nekura is, well, was, my best friend. He moved away for a while when I was younger. But Nekura's still cool. He's a nice guy, but he's got a wicked temper. Problem is that he pretends everything's cool until he snaps. But he's still a really cool guy. He's just an all around decent person, and that's what I like about him. Of course, right now he's just grinning his fool head off at me. He's probably the only one in the room that only finds this situation amusing.  
  
What's the situation you ask? Well…  
  
The last person is currently holding me to the wall by the throat.  
  
Keiko…  
  
Keiko is the kind of girl wet dreams are made of. She's athletic with a good bust, and better butt. She's got some major curves.  
  
I admit to checking her out. I'd like that out in the open right now.   
  
No man with half a brain wouldn't. Of course, the problem is that I generally lapse into a coma like state and drool while I do it. She despises me with a passion that's almost holy in it's mindless ferocity. Well, that's not quite true. I know why, or at least I think so. See the problem with the above, other than the people who call me a pervert, is that I tend to do it during class. Getting called on it all the time embarrasses her. And she does not like to be embarrassed.  
  
She drags me out of the school and bounces me all over the asphalt outside when I do it. On the plus side, I can take a ridiculous amount of damage now before going down…  
  
Well, anyways, that's why she's angry. I'm pretty sure she could care less about the prophecy. But considering I just went into coma mode here of all places, when we're trying to figure out how to get me home… well, now she's strangling me.  
  
Suddenly, her hands were pried off my throat, and I saw Nekura and Yuushi trying to hold her back. Her hands were still reaching for me, and her fingers were flexing, trying to reestablish their grip on my throat.  
  
"…kill… you…"  
  
_Riiight. Way to go Vahn, you just blew it again._  
  
Behind her, Hiroki sighed.  
  
"Vahn, could you _please_ at least _attempt_ to concentrate on the task at hand?!"  
  
"Sorry… I just… look at her! She's hot!"  
  
"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!"  
  
"WAAAH!"  
  
Keiko burst loose and lunged for my throat again. This time it took the combined efforts of Nekura, Yuushi, Strabimon, Lucemon, and Candlemon to keep her back. As they slowly pulled her back, I noticed that she was frothing a bit at the mouth.  
  
Where are we? Who are Strabimon, Lucemon and Candlemon? Well, that actually takes a bit of explaining.  
  
History may suck, but I suppose I should at least recount my recent history.

* * *

Okay, Nekura and I were buddies for years, but then he moved. Well, one day, or this would make absolutely no sense whatsoever, he moved back.  
  
Same house, too. It was kinda creepy.  
  
But anyways, for some reason, he didn't feel he needed to even tell me in an e-mail.  
  
Jerk.  
  
I was currently sitting on a bench at lunch, droning and drooling at Keiko again on lunch hour, just watching her move as she played basketball. Thankfully, she hadn't noticed yet, because when she did, I would be the ball's replacement.  
  
Not generally the most happy thing to contemplate. Then, he showed up.  
  
"Yo! Vahn!"  
  
Now _that_ got Keiko's attention. Fortunately it got mine as well, so I wasn't in the usual daze when her eyes fell on me.  
  
You know, being lucid makes it a lot easier to get the hell out of the way when she's coming at me.  
  
So anyways I was running as fast as I possibly could, and then I saw him. I skidded to a halt. Keiko, not expecting this, and hot on my trail, slammed right into my back, and we both fell at his feet. He grinned.  
  
"Can you take that to a room?"  
  
I prepared for the worst, but surprisingly, it never came.  
  
Which was very odd.  
  
Twisting my head around, I saw the reason why. She was staring at Nekura. Nekura, as usual, was radiating suave and coolness. Not exactly something that was helping my situation. But, given that the moment she snapped out of it I was a dead man, I decided to just enjoy it while it lasted.  
  
"Nekura… you didn't tell me you were coming today…"  
  
What was this now? Nekura and Keiko knew each other already? Apparently I wasn't being told about a lot of things. And for the record, I had told Nekura about my crush/coma inducer. Although it appears that I'm not the only one not in the loop.  
  
"Yes I did. You just forgot."  
  
Or not. Figures. I'm always the last person to know everything. But, to my horror, Nekura wasn't done yet. Apparently he's more sadistic than I'd thought.  
  
"Would you mind getting off of Vahn?"  
  
Yep. That did it.  
  
"GRAAAH!"  
  
I got off easy this time, most likely due to Nekura's presence. She only slammed my head into the concrete once before getting off of me. So she stepped on me in the process. Big deal. I struggled to my feet, only to find Hiroki and Yuushi coming over. To my extreme surprise, Hiroki was actually smiling, and Yuushi had a huge grin on his face.  
  
"Nekura!"  
  
I twitched. Nekura knew people around here besides me. He hadn't bothered to tell me. In fact, he knew a lot of people who just ignored me, or felt I was the scum of the universe.  
  
That hurt. A lot.  
  
But I think the thing that hurt the most was that he obviously hadn't put in a good word for me with Keiko.  
  
When Eigo and Kikyou joined us, things started getting creepy. Well, actually, the conversation stayed the same, but the very fact that Eigo and Kikyou were there was particularly creepy. Nekura apologized, but said we'd hang out later. The others looked at me like I was just ejected from the rear end of a rat. Well, Keiko, Hiroki, and Yuushi did. Kikyou was looking kind of vacant, Eigo a little nervous, and Nekura looked like he wanted to laugh at me.  
  
You can tell he's my best friend because he takes a perverse pleasure in my pain.  
  
As they walked off, I came to a conclusion. They'd all known each other without cluing me in on it. Well, that Hiroki, Yuushi, Kieko, Kikyou, and Eigo had belonged to some sort of secret club for several months now was actually common knowledge.  
  
I hadn't cared for the most part, but now that Nekura was apparently a part of it… Well, obviously I wasn't going to find out anything on my own. If I was going to learn anything, I was going to have to learn it myself.  
  
In other words, it was time for me to spy.  
  
It should go without saying that I'm not really all that good at spying, just like I'm not that good at a dozen other things.  
  
But, good at it or not, I raced up behind them to a classroom, hoping to listen in at the door or something. I got there, pressed my ear against the door and… nothing. Silence.  
  
I frowned. The teachers were always complaing about how the walls were paper-thin. I should have been able to hear _something_ coming from the room. I muttered for a moment.  
  
Then I knocked.  
  
If they answered I'd yell out something about being a janitor and high tail it for the stairs before the door opened… but no one answered. I looked in the window, and there was nobody there.  
  
Now, I was sure that I had the right room. I'd seen them go in. Maybe there was another exit? A secret exit? It would certainly explain a lot.  
  
Since no one was in, I tried to open the door. It was locked. I frowned and felt around in my pocket. Years of forgetting my own keys, yet always having paper clips had taught me one thing. How to pick locks. I'm still not sure where my keys are, but that's another story.  
  
But anyways, I was ready willing, and able to pick the door lock. A few seconds later, I was in. I took inventory of what was there. Desks, bookshelves, bright green portal, teacher's desk, chairs, flag, blinking computer, donuts…  
  
It was about there that I stopped and ate the donuts. They were pretty damn tasty.  
  
After I was done with the donuts, I went and examined the strange green portal. It was about the only weird thing in the room. I'd seen weirder though. You'd be surprised what you can come up with if you accidentally mix the wrong chemicals together in science.  
  
The 'portal' was actually more of an 'orb' now that I got to looking at it. I think. It looked two dimensional, but it always looked the same with every angle, so I'm not sure what to call it. Then, I touched it.  
  
My life went promptly downhill from there. 


End file.
